BBWC — Bitterness Is Sweet

I don’t want to wait in vain for your love but it appears to be my lot. I am preparing myself for you daily. I dress myself in your favorite color and bathe in your favorite scent. I do all I can to attract you. I’m building a house of love, just for you. And yet, I am sitting here waiting, in vain, for your love. Why do you treat me so bad? All I want to do is love you. I want to surrender my heart, my soul, and my body to you. I keep knocking at your door and you keep ignoring my attempt to enter your domain. Are you there? Are you even real? Should I continue to sit by your window until you return home? Please answer my knock, I just want to give you something you can feel. Something to let you know this love is real. I want to feel you, have our bodies be forever connected. Come and satisfy my soul.

I am on a slippery slope. I am playing a dangerous game and unfortunately, the only one who can be hurt is me. I don’t know why I do this. That’s not true, I do know why I do what I do. It always comes back to the same thing… loneliness. I don’t take ownership of it. I try my best to not acknowledge it. I’ve also started to spin it in to a positive lifestyle choice. I am lonely. I am so very lonely. And my being lonely has me reverting to type. I am ignoring myself and I am accepting any and anyone available. I keep forgetting who I am that I deserve happiness. How is it that I forget that I deserve happiness? How is it that I continuously forget myself? Why can’t I satisfy my soul?

Sometimes when I sit in front of this computer and I am faced with a blank page, I fret and doubt my talent. I forget that I am more than capable to put a cohesive thought together and come up with a dynamic sentence that leads to an explosive essay. I remember all those who have thought less than favorably about my writing skills. I remember all those who have thought less than favorably about me and I let them creep back into my subconscious and cause me to doubt who I am. I am Toinetta N. Jones. I am the one who defines me, not some random nuts I allow in my life. I satisfy my soul.