Friday, February 29, 2008

And the Winner Is…

I admit, when it is election season, I am the typical black voter. I do as I’m told by the Democratic Party and I vote the popular candidate, regardless of platform.
 
However, this election season things are a bit more thought-provoking than usual. For the first time since Reagan, I actually care about what’s going on. And while my concern is mostly due to the candidates, a black male and a white female, and the discussions of race and gender, respectively, that the American people are having with each other.
 
In my final year of college, I realized no department of my HBCU offered a course in gender studies or gender issues. I was floored. I had to learn world civilization, African Diaspora, and logic but nothing specific to my gender. After I graduated, I met a white woman who turned me on to Alice Walker’s “In Search of Our Mother’s Garden.” I devoured the book, loving every moment of self-knowledge and insight I was gaining. Whatever book, article or issue Ms. Walker discussed, I researched and sought out. I was like a junkie looking for his next fix. I found June Jordan, Sonia Sanchez and Barbara Smith. I found a voice which sounded like mine.
 
Shortly after my education, I proclaimed myself a feminist, not because I felt any solidarity to any feminist doctrine, but because there was nothing else I could call the passion I felt for gender equality.
 
With history in the making, I am paying attention to articles, debates, blogs and other outlets during this primary season. For me, the stakes are higher. I have the honor and privilege of being a double minority. You know, Black and female. I have always held this honor in high regard because there are only 209 million plus of us in this country. So of course being faced with having to chose between my race and my gender causes me to pay a little more attention.
 
I remember when Hillary Clinton was First Lady. She was ambitious even then. She wanted to fix the healthcare situation in America . And when her endeavor failed, she was demonized. When her husband’s sexual indiscretions were made public, she was martyred. So after the Clinton Administrations second term, she ran for Senator of New York and won. She became a superwoman to many and the whisperings of her one day being President began.
 
Here we are in 2008 and in full swing of the Presidential Primary. And for the first time in our country’s history, there are two minorities as front contenders for the Democratic nomination, a Black man and a White woman. Historic no doubt. And this historical moment leaves me and 209 million others like me in a curious position: choosing between our race and our gender.
 
I have a friend in LA who is all kinds of mad at the feminist blogging sites. She sends me a link every other day asking me to respond to this nonsense. It appears some white women in amerikkka are lambasting African American women because they feel we are voting the color line. She is outraged at the arrogance and insinuation that a race can’t judge among the issues. However, I see it as white feminist never really accepting us until they need us, like now.
 
See, when this race started, Hillary Clinton just knew she had the colored vote sewn up, after all, she was married to the first Black President, according to Toni Morrison – but even she has seen the light. And at the same time, media reports were about how Barack Obama would have to prove himself to the negroes to get their vote. Well, little did anyone realize that our “first Black President” would show his true colors – you know, southern white male.
 
And while many will say Bill Clinton is just passionate about the election and he really wants it for Hillary, I know what I’ve heard and I know he is no longer allowed to stump too hard for his wife.
 
So now we have an election that can’t be about race because America isn’t racist. And with that thought, the race becomes about gender. There was an op-ed piece by noted feminist pioneer, Gloria Steinem, in the New York Times about how the election would be different if Obama were a black woman. Many white feminists found the piece to be thought provoking and insightful. Many black people found the piece insulting and emasculating. What would be the purpose of two women fighting it out? Does Ms. Steinem think it would be easier for Hillary to beat a black woman than a black man? And to many black feminists, the piece reminded them of how irrelevant we are to the women’s movement.
 
Just recently there was a skit on Saturday Night Live where Tina Fey went on a rant on why people should vote for Hillary and how “Bitches get stuff done” and “Bitch is the new black.” And while I haven’t watched SNL since the not ready for prime time players, yeah, I date myself a lot, I found the outpouring of excitement for Hillary and anger for Obama to be interesting.
                                                          
I read another article, this one in Newsweek, titled Obama: First Female President? Martin Linsky, the writer, goes on about how the Obama campaign embodies a more traditional female approach. He says Obama uses “…approaches that are usually thought of as qualities and values that women bring to organizational life: a commitment to inclusiveness in problem solving, deep optimism, modesty about knowing all the answers, the courage to deliver uncomfortable news, not taking on all the work alone, and a willingness to air dirty linen.”
 
My first response was, “WTF? What is this guy smoking?” While I am flattered that Mr. Linsky believes women to be viable candidates for the presidency, I am insulted at the narrowmindedness of his reasoning. I can’t believe only women are inclusive problem solvers, optimist, modest, courageous, and team players. I mean, isn’t this the mantra for many successful businessmen?
 
And Mr. Linsky goes on to say that while Obama embodies these womanist approaches, Hillary Clinton has none. He paints Clinton as the antitheses of these “gender specific” traits, ain’t she a woman?  The author says of Clinton , “… she is the experienced realist, … understands the rules in this man’s game of politics and governing, knows how to play by them and win, and can take the heat that inevitably comes with entering the fray.”   Clinton is of the old school woman’s thought that you have to play like a man in order to succeed like a man. And it is that thought that is bringing her down. However, with her current bid, she is becoming a feminist icon, whether she admits to being one or not.
 
After reading the responses on blogs to the Tina Fey skit, I asked my girlfriend, “When did we accept being a bitch?” While I am sure there are many of people who know me who will say, “Duh, you accepted it a long time ago.” I would still have to say that when someone calls me a bitch, they should be ready to fight like a bitch. I don’t believe that “Bitches get stuff done” or that “Bitch is the new Black.”
 
I find phrases of that nature to be as insulting as the use of the world “Nigger.” I am not those things. And I don’t want a president who is. And if I am referring to my Commander in Chief as a bitch, how am I respecting the position?
 
Again, I am excited we are all caught up in some form of fervor over this election. I enjoy the arguements of gender and race. I find the comments on blogs to be enlightening even when they are shortsighted with no evidence to support their points. I don’t think since the first George W. Bush election has the country been so in tune to what is going on. I hope because of the unique nature of both Democratic candidates that we aren’t missing the point. We need a strong candidate that can win and make changes and influence policy and make our country better.

Posted by BBWC at 21:21:46 | Permalink | Comments (4)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

This Is How I Feel Today…

Once she stepped off the bus and started towards her apartment, she felt a sudden sadness begin to engulf her. The fifty feet to her door seemed to be a mile long. And her usual long strides were short and dragging. The unseasonable warm weather didn’t help her sulken mood. She didn’t want to face what was ahead of her but she knew she had no choice.

As she ascended the five steps to the front door of her apartment building, she let out a hearty sigh. She felt she’d prolong her descent into the abyss by checking her mail. Nothing but bills and advertisements. The only people who knew her in the outside world were the electric company, Sprint and Geico – you could save up to 20%.

She turned and looked at the seven stairs that lead to her loneliness. She turned to the door, contemplating running, but she realized she had no where to go. This was her only refuge and it was beginning to feel like a prison. Or worse yet, purgatory where she was left to feel the weight and pain of her loneliness. She didn’t want to think about the sudden decision she made that lead her to this place and this emptiness.

So she let her purse drop from her shoulder to her hand and she walked towards the steps and reached for the rail. She ascended the stairs and walked towards her apartment door. With her keys in her hand, she moved to put the key in the deadbolt lock. The key, understanding her frustration, didn’t want to go into the lock. This only added to her angst. She hastily unlocked the deadbolt and then the handle lock and quickly entered her apartment.


With the door shut and locked behind her, the loneliness she felt coming down her hit her like a ton of bricks. She went through the kitchen and threw down her purse and bag on the dining room floor. She ripped her coat off and exhaled, that’s when the tears began to pour from her eyes. Here was a woman who on the outside appeared so together and yet she was falling apart, alone.

Posted by BBWC at 00:48:54 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Reflections…

In response to recent demand, I’ve been trying to come up with a blog. It’s not as easy as it looks. I usually write from inspiration. A conversation that sparks some passion in me to share with the rest of the world. Or a random thought I’ve suppressed and it finds its way to the front of my head. And of course, any situation that happens to happen to me.

I really appreciate you guys reading my random rantings and commenting on them – whether to me or posting on the blog. But of late, I’ve been in a funk of sorts. I have had some things transpire in my personal life that I’ve wanted to post a blog on but I just haven’t. I actually wrote the entry in September after my brother passed and I had intentions of posting it on his birthday. As you can see, I never got around to it.


It’s a very personal blog, more personal than any I’ve ever posted because it exposes me on an emotional level, something that is missing in most of my posts. I am a guarded person and it takes a special person to penetrate (I love double entendre) the walls I surround my heart and such.


My brother, although some of you didn’t know I had one, was someone I was extremely protective of, which is probably why you didn’t know. He is very special to me and watching his life unfold in the last few years was really hard on my family.

If you knew Jeffery, you knew he was filled with life. He smiled and grimaced and lived. And he was special, even when he was no longer himself. He was special and he loved us, all the nutty women in his life, in his own special way.

So, I am going to post the blog I wrote months ago, because my brother deserves to be remembered forever in cyber space… thanks, tnj


  Life is so special with its little pieces of irony…

The last few months have been such a whirlwind for me. I’ve had some interesting life experiences – some I’ve shared in my blog, some I’ve kept to myself or my journal. Regardless what life throws at me, I still appreciate the life I’ve been giving. And you don’t know how much life means to you until you are faced with mortality.

My brother, Jeffery O. Jones, when faced with his impending death, reached and embraced his fate. He had been sick for the past nine years or so and he was tired of fighting for a life that wasn’t the life he had always lived. During his time of illness, we had developed a routine, he would go to the hospital and stay a couple days and then he would come home.

But on September 6, 2007, the routine changed. My mom called and told me that my brother wasn’t getting better, I took it as her being the drama queen that she is – I guess as a mother you always fear the worse. And when the doctor told us that my brother could go at any minute but then he could survive another week, I held for him being stubborn and surviving for another week.

But when he left on September 8, 2007, I wasn’t ready for it. I’m still not. I miss him and I think of him often. I know that while he was here, I did the best I could to make sure he was taken care of. I had no problem taking him to his doctor appointments or fussing at him to make sure he took his medicines. And I hated that he wasn’t who he had always been. Illness has a way of changing you and I understood my brother wasn’t happy with his quality of life.

And though I knew Jeffery didn’t want us to see him suffer or for us to hurt in the end, it is inevitable. When you love someone all your life, you hurt when they hurt and you feel pain when they are no longer with you.

And yes, I am strong and I keep my feelings to myself. I don’t burden others with my emotions. I suffer in silence. I guess that’s just the way I am.

When my brother knew his days were getting shorter, he gave my mother a litany of instructions on how he wanted his home going ceremony. And my mother and I made sure his wishes were carried out – even to the cologne that he wore and I made everyone smell. My brother understood what was happening and he embraced it with dignity and grace. He was truly a grown ass man.

As kids, my brother and I spent a lot of time together. For a period in our lives we attended the same elementary school. I was three to four years younger than my brother and he was in the fourth grade when I was in the kindergarten. I was a stubborn and spoiled kid and I made our morning travels hellish to say the least.

And our summers were always spent with our grandparents in North Carolina where I would have an even more devilish time torturing Jeffery. There was never anything to do in Oxford , especially when our grandmother was at work. So I would just harass my brother to no end. And when we did put our collective heads together, we came up with fun adventures like dipping my grandmother’s snuff.

Our relationship wasn’t always contentious. While my brother would have always said I was a pain in the ass, he loved me. I remember when I was a child with the chicken pox. He figured out ways to make sure I took my medicine, I hated swallowing pills. I was just too delicate. But he understood the importance of me taking my medicine and he bribed me into doing the right thing.

I was always protective of my brother and when he was sick, I was even more protective of him. I never allowed anyone to hurt or bother my brother, except me, and I would try my damnedest to fight for him.

And in his own way, Jeffery was protective of me too. We were siblings and we did what siblings do – we fought, we loved, and we protected. My brother was there for me even when I didn’t ask him to. I remember he flew home several times when he was stationed in the Philippines to surprise us. My senior year in high school, he came for my Senior Inaugural and I had to fight the girls off him. And he fondly recalled being there to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. He smiled like he had won the lottery. And as we stood in the doorway of the church, he held my hand tightly and he told me knew I couldn’t see and that he would guide me – those were the sweetest words he had ever spoken to me.

And when he needed me, he knew all he had to do was call. Prior to him going in to the hospital, he wanted me to take him to the store because he wanted to talk to me. And all though he was prone to tell me things he had told me before, it didn’t matter, and I would listen and let him clear his mind. He got tired while we were out, which was typical and I thought nothing more of it. And when my mom told me she was taking him to the hospital, I thought nothing more of that either.

Now he is gone and I relive every day we spent together. The first days – when we were kids. The in between days – when we were adolescents and adults. And the final days – when he left. I remember the good times – me painting his face, him telling I broke my glasses throwing them at him, me hiding his shoe, and him giving me the necklace I thought long lost on my wedding day. The bad times – me fussing at him because I could and him ignoring me because he could.

I find myself remembering the oddest things and laughing at the most inopportune moments. Like recently, I was at a funeral and at the internment, they handed the flag to the family and I was remembering my brother’s internment at Quantico . My mother and I sat and watched the young men fold the flag and do the gun salute, and when they were done, they handed the flag to me and offered me their condolences for the lost of my husband. I just smiled and handed the flag to my mother.

I also find myself sad. Sad because I just want one more day because I don’t remember kissing him or telling him I love him. Sad because I just want one more day to tell him bye and to let him know that I will make sure everyone is alright. Sad because he’s gone and I just don’t know how to mourn him.

Sometimes I find myself at Quantico visiting him, not knowing what to say but just wanting to be there so he knows he is not alone or forgotten. And while I know he is in a much happier place with the people he loves who went before him, I can’t help but wish he were here with us and telling me a story I’ve heard so many times before.

And I would give anything in the world to have one more day with him. He promised me we would have coffee and muffins on Sunday and he left on Saturday. And now I am left with a box of blueberry muffin mix and an empty cup…

 

Posted by BBWC at 18:36:06 | Permalink | Comments (5)