Closing In....
As several friends are aware, I’ve been dating and working to put myself out there "emotionally." My posts have been experiences that I feel are necessary to assist some with getting through the anguish that dating can cause. Many of my posts have been about the "elusive third date" and how the frustration of never getting one causes me to reflect. What my reflecting has shown me is that I am riddled with so much doubt and insecurity when it comes to dating.
I remember when I couldn’t wait for the next date. I was a pro – I could juggle three dates in one day and rest on the next. And if I never got that elusive third date – that was ok because the odds were better if the numbers were higher. You want to have dinner with me? No problem – but it’s gotta be the best restaurant in town. You want to go to the movies? No problem – hope you aren’t intimidated by subtitles.But now I am finding that the third date is elusive for a reason. The first two dates are more or less a relationship barometer. You should know by the second date definitely if you want to see this person again – if there is something there that holds you captive. Of course, of late, I’ve been pretty much slacking on the captivity.
But recently, I’ve been treated to some “extra” dates… and from the same person! And now I find myself in uncharted territory.As I trek into this unfamiliar dating terrain, I find myself “insecure” about my attributes. It appears that I am fortunate to be spending time with a gentleman who actually wants to get to know me. I am used to men wanting to have sex with me. I know that I “exude” sex appeal, but I’ve never been fortunate enough to have more than a casual sexual relationship at best.
You do remember the hot and heated first date a few months ago? Never got pass the “second” date – his loss.
What I never admit to is that I use sex as a smoke screen. See, I figure if you want sex, that’s easy. But getting to know me, that’s a challenge.
Many of us compartmentalize relationships – what you and your true friends share is unique to each of the relationships. And while that works in female friendship relationships, it is frowned upon by a man who is truly interested in you. And since 98% of my male relationships lacked any true interest in me, I find myself puzzled by the fact that someone can actually enjoy being with me.
What I’ve neglected to realize is that while being guarded and distant in most relationships, I never prepared myself to actually share my world with anyone. So, it is amazing that I haven’t found anyone – who would want to be in a long-term relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable?
So this new found interest in me as a person has me examining my wants and expectations of a relationship – because no longer is the third date elusive.I’ve found in the two-date minimum world that most men want a woman who is a “domestic goddess.” While I hold some old fashion desires, i.e., men holding the door for me, etc., I have such an issue with the “domestic goddess” fantasy.
Whenever a man approaches me with the “do you cook?”, I am quick to answer no – because I don’t cook. Of course they all take that to mean that I can’t cook. No, I don’t cook. If given the right inspiration, I will cook; but if you are expecting me to audition my culinary skills, think again.Besides, most women who work full-time careers – ‘cause men want us to be financially independent as well – are tired when they get home from an 8-hour day. Women in the new millennium are not our foremothers and we don’t aspire to be. Men, please let go of those antiquated out-dated sexist June Cleaver ideals.
I would love to have a man who wants to share the domestic aspects of our domestic partnership. I am a true believer of 50/50 and where you slack, I am happy to pick up. In my other relationships, there was the perceived notion that I would be responsible for certain tasks and chores – but it was uneven. They felt that because they worked “harder” than I did that I had more time to do laundry, cook and clean. How unfair. This type of scenario – especially if not agreed upon – builds resentment – on both sides.
I want a partner more than anything else. I want someone who strengthens my weaknesses and not exploits them. I’ve had past relationships where I was honest and open and gave of myself – of course I’ve had some where I lied, shut them out and left them out there – and I found things that I may have said in confidence and trust used against me in battle. I don’t want to be with someone who places judgment on me. I know who I am and I know what I do – right, wrong, bad or indifferent. If I wanted someone to second guess me, I’d call my mother – that’s what she is there for.Another recurring theme in the quest to formulate a relationship is men who are looking for the “perfect” person – you know, the one with no baggage or issues. I continuously wish them good luck on that search. Everyone off the teat has some issue with something. That’s what living is all about – having issues. Having issues isn’t the problem, how you deal with them and relate them to others is.
When I begin to tell the select few I’ve told the history of some of my relationships, they marvel at how “well adjusted” I am. What does that mean? Or they say something equally insulting, “That explains it.” Those persons are quick to get das booted to the curb.Some people I tell as a way of testing them, to see how they respond or when they make it an issue for why I do what I do. While some of my life’s history may play a part in my dealings with people, most of it is ‘cause that’s what I do.
So, today, I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I find myself contemplating things that I only dream about – love, relationship and giving parts of me. I am also contemplating if I am ready for those things I dream about.I say this to say that I find myself stepping outside of my box and not certain as to how I will fare. Bare with me….
