Why Bitter?
bit·ter adjective, noun, verb, adverb
hard to bear; grievous; distressful; characterized by intense antagonism or hostility; resentful or cynical;
I’ve been so excited since I’ve started the BBWC. I’ve sent the link to friends, enemies, some who may have caused the start of the movement, and endless others that I thought would be interested in the ravings of a loon.
And everyone was excited that I had finally found my creative outlet. I was taking my heartache and putting it to use in a place where being me was accepted and appreciated and not necessarily questioned.
However, all of the kudos and “way to gos” didn’t prepare me for the questions of why “bitter”.
I never thought one word could cause so much doubt and hesitation: “It’s such a negative word.” “I’m not sure how I feel about that.” “I didn’t know how sad things had gotten.”
And while I appreciate and accept criticism, all of this has caused me to think – why NOT “bitter”?
I’m not sure how many of you remember when Chante Moore and Kadeem Hardison broke up in 2000 or so and she used her creativity and hurt to make a song called “Bitter”.
She opens the song with:
I'm just gonna speak from my heart
This song ain't about every man
But sometimes when you have had your heart broken
And there's pain
You gotta let it out exactly how you feeling it
I realize right now I'm just bitter
And at the time, because I wasn’t bitter, this didn’t ring true to me. Wasn’t my tune to whistle or sing.
At the same time, having loved and lost and knowing that I would one day love again, I could sympathize with her pain and her plight and her anger and her bitterness.
There was never a day in my life that I ever wanted to be “bitter” or “angry.” Believe it or not, I am a Polyanna of sorts, looking and seeing the world through rose colored glasses. Always offering a smile and “positive” words when I was feeling like my world was collapsing. Giving others the strength to succeed while doubting my own ability to achieve.
And then one day, I stopped leaving bitterness in someone else’s cup and I put it in my own. And I drank it. I swallowed it like the jagged little pill it is. And I liked the taste of it. It wasn’t tart to me, but sweet, bittersweet.
I’ve taken “bitter” and I see something positive in it.
I see a woman whose eyes have been opened and who no longer desires the attention from an undeserving male suitor.
I see a woman who appreciates who she is and what she has to offer.
I see a woman discriminatory in her dealings with male suitors and others.
I see a woman who has found joy in what others see as “sadness.”
In my bitter state, I am no longer the victim of my own desires. I can see clearly now the rain has gone. And I know the obstacles in my way.
My bitterness isn’t because a man has done me wrong. No, my bitterness is because a man can’t seem to do me right. And why should I wait for any “him” to see the gem I am?
I am finally learning and using and becoming the person that I should be.
And yes, I am bitter. But I am also hopeful. And I am happy. And my life is good. Very good.
I’ve set, tackled, and accomplished goals. I’ve been able to spend more time with friends and family. And I no longer have the drama of trying to be what some man thinks I should be.
So, to paraphrase Chante – who by the way found her a good man despite being bitter – so,
Don't follow me home nigga
Stop ringing my phone nigga
Just leave me alone nigga
I wish you well but
Right now I'm just bitter
