BBWC -- Bitterness Is Sweet

It’s always interesting to me the reaction and responses I get from my blogs. I believe there are several people who consistently tell me I need to seek the counsel of a therapist. I find the comment to be presumptuous and rude, but because they always sign “Anonymous,” I can’t have the dialogue I feel is necessary.

I’m even more intrigued with the people who take the time to email me directly to share their observation or to lend some critical advice. I wonder when people write from a passionate point, do they reread what they write?

Case in point, a male associate, after reading “No More…,” felt it necessary to say the following:

Well sweety, I'm 38 years old 6'8" 260lb. good looking, outgoing, smart, disease free, divorced with three boys and I make over $100,000 with a gov. job, highly desired by pretty women, my self esteem and confidence are off the chart but I was not good enough for you. You told me the only reason you even spoke to me in the first place was because you felt sorry for me. Sorry for me??? That hurt my feelings only because I thought we had a good friendship over the years and I felt deceived. Maybe your standards you set for yourself are unrealistic.

My first reaction was to respond with a scathing email explaining myself to him. But after talking it over with a friend, who suggested the best way to deal with it would be to ignore it all together. And while I agree it is best to not respond to him privately, I do feel a discussion is necessary.

Over the weekend, the words in his email reverberated in my head. After getting over his gall, I started questioning the logic – or lack their of – of his content. Let me break it down for you.

He begins by expressing to me, “I’m 38 years old 6’8” 260lb. good looking, outgoing, smart, disease free, divorced with three boys and I make over $100,000 with a gov. job…”

Here’s what I hear – and I’ll try to keep the factual stuff I know about him out of it – he’s divorced with three kids – two by his ex wife and one I assume by a female he dated after his wife, he pays child support (maybe alimony) to an ex and child support to the other mother which makes the over $100,000 a lot smaller cause he has other obligations.

Now please understand, I am not judging and I’ve dated, married and dated again, many men who are divorced and with kids. I understand the dynamic. The only reason it is an issue is because when a man attempts to use his salary as a selling point, then he opens himself up to financial scrutiny.

Ok, now with that part out of the way, let’s continue our journey down Simpleton Lane. He continues to say, “…highly desired by pretty women, my self esteem and confidence are off the chart but I was not good enough for you.”

Let’s start with “my self esteem and confidence are off the chart.” Really? Let’s see, you have to give me a run down of your personal and financial situation in hopes it will peak my interest. A man with confidence and self esteem off the chart, don’t have to explain themselves to anyone – especially a woman who felt “I was not good enough for you.” What man with confidence and self esteem off the chart would care about a woman who doesn’t want them? They would just go to the next pretty woman who desires him. That’s my thought… hmmm?

And then to have that same woman tell you she only talked to you because she “felt sorry for you,” what a slap in the face to a man with confidence and self esteem off the chart. Again, why would you even care about someone who has such a low opinion of you? I don’t see how continuing to chase a woman who has repeatedly shot down every offer and advance you made toward her in sync with confidence and self esteem off the chart.

That’s just my humble. 

And the caveat of the email is the next to the last line, “Maybe your standards you set for yourself are unrealistic.”

Wow! Every time someone says that sentence or a sentence similar in theme to it, my skin crawls and I cringe. The standards I set for the qualities I want in a partner are not unrealistic. I believe statements such as that makes my standards unrealistic because no one works towards anything more than the bare minimum.

See, for a person to think because they make a high salary, they are tall and desired by pretty women, that I should want to be with them, is a clear example of how far off the mark this person is. A person who dates someone because of aesthetic and status, is usually a person with extra curricular activities.

I still believe in substance. I believe in character, morals and personality. So, if those are unrealistic standards, then I am ok with being with myself. I won’t settle for less because I don’t give less than what I ask for.

My advice to my friend is to ask yourself, if I have all these popular and redeeming qualities, then why is it that she really didn’t want to be with me?

Oh, and I didn’t take up your offer to call you to discuss the email because I felt there was nothing to discuss.

Peace and Blessings

Wow!

I wasn’t prepared for the reaction and responses this blog generated. As always, I truly appreciate the comments – I read each and every one.

And now that the suicide watch is off, please return my shoe strings, belts and scarves, I really appreciated the intervention – it was good to see you guys. And the one’s who didn’t make the intervention, I hope you aren’t planning a nice rubber room vacation for me.

I say this to say, I am ok. I am sorry most of you read my blog and got a depressed and sad Toinetta from it. I am so way not sad. I guess quoting from a book with “suicide” in the title kinda gives the impression of sadness, but it’s so not that – “Colored Girls…”is so empowering and it is my bible – I’ve been reading and quoting it since 7^th grade.

Writing “No More…” was very cathartic for me. I tend to mull and reflect on things and this particular topic was something a friend and I had discussed ad nauseum and we were both left with the same befuddled feelings and thoughts. I took the time to try and work through those thoughts and feelings and I shared them with you.

I’ve asked some to read the blog twice because I don’t think the true tone is being projected. I read it and I got my confusion and angst and befuddlement, but then, I wrote it so I know the tone. Read it with a little more attitude – trust me, you’ll get that a sista ain’t sad at all, at least not for me.

And those who commented on me needing a 12-Step program, a therapist and to learn to like myself, please know I am way too narcissistic to not like myself. I am truly my best friend and I do no wrong in my eyes. I am all I have and I take very good care of me. However, thank you for the advice. And the last time I went to a therapist, he told me I needed another job because I was bored.

Now, on to what I really want to talk about…

2008 is upon us and I’ve been mulling and reflecting on the direction of the BBWC.

When I started this blog in February, I was angry and bitter and turned off to dating. Those who have been with me from the beginning, have read my highs and lows of dating and dealing with the opposite sex. A lot of my ideas come from conversations I have with friends – male and female. Some of my ideas come from situations in my life and in my head.

Well, as the year wore on, I found I was leaving bitterness in someone else’s cup and not so much in my own. And my being less bitter brings a new flavor to the blog. I don’t date as much as I used to and I’ve settled into a happy place in my life. So I am at an impasse on what direction the BBWC should take in 2008.

I’ve spent a nice amount of energy reading other blogs and getting a feel of the pulse of the blogsphere. I am not overly political, however, I am extremely passionate about some things.

I want the BBWC to be a fun blog where you don’t have to do so much thinking but you can still get something out of reading my entries.

If you have any suggestions or ideas on what you’d like more of from the BBWC – I like the name so I am not changing that – please feel free to contact me via the blog or if you know me, call me or email me.

Thanks for your continued support. I hope I can continue to keep your interest as I journey though life.

Peace and Blessings….