BBWC — Bitterness Is Sweet

i need to be loved/& haven’t the audacity to say  where are you/& i don’t know who to say it to

 -ntozake shange, for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf

I can remember a time in my life when I was always certain of me. When I never second guessed my needs, my dreams or even my desires.

Now I find I am always doubting me. Am I pretty enough? Am I too smart? Not smart enough? Do I talk too much? Am I listening well enough?

And I find myself at wits’ end.

I’ve always given off the air of confidence and high self-esteem. I’ve always walked with my head held high, not needing reassurance from anyone. If I believed in me, then it was all I needed.

But now, when I am thirty eight, childless and without a real sustainable relationship, I doubt myself more than ever.

And I don’t understand where all the insecurity has come from.

I find myself turning into the cliché of a woman always needing someone to reassure her she is fabulous. I need validation for the most minute of issues. And I find I am becoming the “needy” woman no one wants to deal with.

As I sit here having yet another conversation with myself about “What’s wrong with me?” I can’t help but wonder, when did I start to think anything was ever wrong with me?

I was talking to a friend the other day about a relationship I was in which turned pretty ugly. He made the statement that in order for me to accept and stay in the relationship as long as I did and endured as much as I did, there had to be something wrong with me before I got in the relationship.

WTF?

You mean to tell me if you care about someone and he treats you horribly, it’s really all your own fault?
Wow – that explains my entire life. Well, actually, only the part where I started dating.

I know my blog is about my relationships with men and how I’ve reached being bitter and all, but I like to believe the insight I share about my past situations, is helpful to someone else – male or female.

See, I don’t believe I was screwed up before the tough relationship. I actually believe I was pretty solid before then. I do know the person I am now is hugely related to some of the trials I went through in that relationship.

And yes, I will admit I am not the most secure person when it comes to relationships, with most of my doubts being normal growing pains of any new relationship. I often comment how I’m not good in a relationship. Yet knowing my fear is my inability to read and understand the nuances in a relationship.

It bothers me how in the past few relationships I’ve been in – whether pseudo or delusional – I’ve always been left to guess how the person feels about me. And that vexes me more than anything!
 
It is this uncertainty which drives me to abandon many relationships.

Please understand, I am not saying a person should declare their undying love and devotion to me on the first date. But it amazes me how being with someone for months to years and they are no more certain of their feelings for you than they were on the first date.

See, I am skeptical and saddened when a person I’ve spent the majority of my time with still sees me as a cool person to hang out with.

It insults my intelligence when the person I’ve given my energy, body and mind sees me as only a homey-lover-friend.

I understand there are progressions in a relationship and I know people mover at their own emotional pace, but isn’t it disingenuous to expect devotion from someone yet you give them no emotional support? To me, it rings of game playing.

And because I am never afforded the common courtesy of being informed about how the person I am in a “relationship” feels about me, I am left to my own devices to decide another person’s emotions. I am not sure if you’ve ever been in that “place,” but it tends to cause you to second guess a lot of the relationship and all types of paranoia and insecurity seeps in.

However, the person who is taking you through these changes of course will undoubtedly deny any “insecurity” caused by them. After all, you must’ve had self-doubt long before this relationship started. Do you see the game?

And even if you had self-doubt coming into the relationship, as the “partner” don’t you have an obligation to your self to play the relationship slow?

While I try to not blame others for my shortcomings, it’s hard to take the total blame for being insecure about something someone else controls. Sometimes I wonder if one of my former lovers had ever told me how he truly felt, would I be so damn bitter?

Now, I am sure many will say my uncertainty comes from not being loved by my father as a child and there may be some truth to it. I mean when I look at the relationships I’ve been in, they all have some semblance to my non-“relationship” with my father.  Whatever!

However, I know for a person to care about me, it shouldn’t be hard to tell me. And then it makes me wonder – what if they don’t care about me. How do you deal with that?

In the past, I would shut down any emotional attachment and just try to “enjoy the moment.” When I was younger, it was easier to shut down and be cold and distant. But now I am older and I find I don’t want to be distant and cold. I want to be involved and in love. It’s harder for me to turn those emotions off and to pretend like I’m cool with not caring.

I am at a point in my life where the games aren’t necessary. If you just want to be my homey-lover-friend, then let me know and let me decide if that’s what I want from you. If you don’t want me the way I want you, then man up and tell me so I can find someone who does.

I refuse to hold out hope for someone who doesn’t love me today. And yeah, I may miss out on a “good thing,” but I may also find that someone special who isn’t afraid to love me.

I deserve love.

I am ready for love.

And I won’t settle for less than the love I desire.

Until then, I continue to dream…