BBWC — Bitterness Is Sweet

John Mayer, “Daughters” 

I was reading an old journal entry and I was amazed at how introspective I am – sorry, can’t resist the narcissistic behavior. This particular entry was about my relationship choices and how the non-existing “relationship” with my father has influenced those choices.

I am not one to blame others for my life choices and path. I truly believe in taking ownership of my decisions – good, bad or indifferent – and I am a proponent for “life lessons” – learning from those decisions I’ve taken ownership of. However, I am also starting to believe that choices and actions of others influence you in ways you don’t realize.

I have several male counterparts who make it a point to find out their girlfriend’s relationship with her father.  I never paid much attention to the propaganda because everyone deals with life’s issues differently.

My father wasn’t a part of my life. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I even began to ask my mother about him. To be honest, I don’t even remember meeting him for the first time. I do remember he would take me to his sister’s house on Sunday for dinner. I didn’t like his sister. I thought she was mean. And it wasn’t until I was 31 years-old that I met his mother for the first time. I do remember that well. It was Thanksgiving and I was attempting to forge a real relationship with him so I suggested I attend Thanksgiving dinner at one of his other sister’s house.

It was an interesting evening. I was introduced to all his sisters – I think its four total – and his mother. After about ten minutes of them scrutinizing me, his mother says to him, “Your girlfriend is pretty.” It was funny and sad at the same time, but I had to keep in mind she was like 90 something at the time. 

And it wasn’t until I read my own writing and thoughts that it hit me – my relationship, or lack thereof, with my “father” has influenced me greatly in many decisions I make and my interactions with the opposite sex.

I’ve always fought the ideology that is spewed by many about how women who grew up without a male role model, i.e. father, are more likely to have problems in male/female relationships.

It’s commonly believed that a female learns how to interact with males from her relationship with her father, but if you are raised in a single-parent home and the parent is female, then you are less likely to have a “healthy” relationship with the opposite sex. You are also more likely to be promiscuous and to perpetuate the single-parent lifestyle.

While I am childless and I believe promiscuity is a social judgment, I do contend that I have issues when it comes to relating to romantic relationships with the opposite sex. 

One issue I have is trust. I don’t mistrust. I am quick to give full trust when it hasn’t been earned. In many of my relationships, I eagerly accept the person and begin a process of making this person “larger than life.” What winds up happening as a result of all this trust is when I begin to see them, they are blindsided by my mistrust in them. It’s a very complex and convoluted process.

However, my not knowing to be “suspicious” or “guarded,” causes me to see what I want to see and to not see the person for who they are.  In one relationship, all the signs were there that the person wasn’t stable financially but I chose to look beyond the signs and I trusted this person would be different because they cared for me. The reality was they were true to themselves and I had no one to blame but me because the signs were there.

Another issue I have in relationships is my own insecurities. Women who are raised with a father in their lives tend to have self-confidence and high self-esteem. The absence of my father robbed me of that assurance. And while I do believe in myself, I doubt my worthiness in a relationship. After all, if my own father didn’t see enough to love me unconditionally, then who am I to believe some stranger will?

While these are just a sample of issues I have - cause the list could go on - the issues are prominent enough to cause one to reflect. And in my journal entry, I reflected on the long-term relationships I had and why I chose the type of men I did.

I have had myriad relationships with an eclectic group of men. Yet, they all tend to have commonalities – they are successful, confident and charming. However, they weren’t right for me.

And when I say they weren’t right for me, I mean if I weren’t hungry for “love,” then I would have never stayed as long as I did in each of the relationships. They were unhealthy for whatever reason, and even though I knew the relationship was poisonous, I stayed. Why?

I stayed because I needed to believe there was a man – any man – who cared enough for me to give me the love I was denied from the one person who should have loved me — my father.

I stayed because I believed I was worthy of love and that the crap I was going through at the time in that particular relationship was what love was about. I mean, if you can’t get through a little murkiness, then it can’t be love?

And so I went from bad relationship to bad relationship and only temporarily getting the emotional support I was seeking. It wasn’t until I removed myself from dating and all things associated with dating that I began to realize the real issue.

It wasn’t until I sat down and re-read a journal entry from a year ago that I truly accepted what I had so desperately chosen to ignore.

And while I still don’t have a relationship with my father, I have accepted that his love would have been nice growing up, but it’s not necessary for me to exist as an adult.

Yes, I am still seeking love – true unconditional love – and wanting it so badly that it keeps me awake at night. But I don’t allow that “desire” to keep me from living my life.

And when that love comes, I won’t blindly enter into it. I will tread softly and I will enjoy the moment and not allow my fears and insecurities to eat away at what might be. And I won’t stay in the relationship when it is no more.

So when I journal about “him” – whoever “he” may be – I won’t place him in that basket of dysfunctional and unhealthy loves before…