BBWC — Bitterness Is Sweet

As several friends are aware, I’ve been dating and working to put myself out there “emotionally.”  My posts have been experiences that I feel are necessary to assist some with getting through the anguish that dating can cause. Many of my posts have been about the “elusive third date” and how the frustration of never getting one causes me to reflect. What my reflecting has shown me is that I am riddled with so much doubt and insecurity when it comes to dating.

I remember when I couldn’t wait for the next date. I was a pro – I could juggle three dates in one day and rest on the next. And if I never got that elusive third date – that was ok because the odds were better if the numbers were higher. You want to have dinner with me? No problem – but it’s gotta be the best restaurant in town. You want to go to the movies? No problem – hope you aren’t intimidated by subtitles.

But now I am finding that the third date is elusive for a reason. The first two dates are more or less a relationship barometer. You should know by the second date definitely if you want to see this person again – if there is something there that holds you captive. Of course, of late, I’ve been pretty much slacking on the captivity.

But recently, I’ve been treated to some “extra” dates… and from the same person! And now I find myself in uncharted territory.  

As I trek into this unfamiliar dating terrain, I find myself “insecure” about my attributes. It appears that I am fortunate to be spending time with a gentleman who actually wants to get to know me. I am used to men wanting to have sex with me. I know that I “exude” sex appeal, but I’ve never been fortunate enough to have more than a casual sexual relationship at best.

You do remember the hot and heated first date a few months ago? Never got pass the “second” date – his loss.

What I never admit to is that I use sex as a smoke screen. See, I figure if you want sex, that’s easy. But getting to know me, that’s a challenge.

Many of us compartmentalize relationships – what you and your true friends share is unique to each of the relationships. And while that works in female friendship relationships, it is frowned upon by a man who is truly interested in you. And since 98% of my male relationships lacked any true interest in me, I find myself puzzled by the fact that someone can actually enjoy being with me.  

What I’ve neglected to realize is that while being guarded and distant in most relationships, I never prepared myself to actually share my world with anyone. So, it is amazing that I haven’t found anyone – who would want to be in a long-term relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable?

So this new found interest in me as a person has me examining my wants and expectations of a relationship – because no longer is the third date elusive.

I’ve found in the two-date minimum world that most men want a woman who is a “domestic goddess.” While I hold some old fashion desires, i.e., men holding the door for me, etc., I have such an issue with the “domestic goddess” fantasy.

Whenever a man approaches me with the “do you cook?”, I am quick to answer no – because I don’t cook. Of course they all take that to mean that I can’t cook. No, I don’t cook. If given the right inspiration, I will cook; but if you are expecting me to audition my culinary skills, think again.

Besides, most women who work full-time careers – ‘cause men want us to be financially independent as well – are tired when they get home from an 8-hour day. Women in the new millennium are not our foremothers and we don’t aspire to be. Men, please let go of those antiquated out-dated sexist June Cleaver ideals.

I would love to have a man who wants to share the domestic aspects of our domestic partnership. I am a true believer of 50/50 and where you slack, I am happy to pick up. In my other relationships, there was the perceived notion that I would be responsible for certain tasks and chores – but it was uneven. They felt that because they worked “harder” than I did that I had more time to do laundry, cook and clean. How unfair. This type of scenario – especially if not agreed upon – builds resentment – on both sides. 

I want a partner more than anything else. I want someone who strengthens my weaknesses and not exploits them. I’ve had past relationships where I was honest and open and gave of myself – of course I’ve had some where I lied, shut them out and left them out there – and I found things that I may have said in confidence and trust used against me in battle. I don’t want to be with someone who places judgment on me. I know who I am and I know what I do – right, wrong, bad or indifferent. If I wanted someone to second guess me, I’d call my mother – that’s what she is there for.

Another recurring theme in the quest to formulate a relationship is men who are looking for the “perfect” person – you know, the one with no baggage or issues. I continuously wish them good luck on that search. Everyone off the teat has some issue with something. That’s what living is all about – having issues. Having issues isn’t the problem, how you deal with them and relate them to others is.

When I begin to tell the select few I’ve told the history of some of my relationships, they marvel at how “well adjusted” I am. What does that mean? Or they say something equally insulting, “That explains it.” Those persons are quick to get das booted to the curb.

Some people I tell as a way of testing them, to see how they respond or when they make it an issue for why I do what I do. While some of my life’s history may play a part in my dealings with people, most of it is ‘cause that’s what I do.

So, today, I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I find myself contemplating things that I only dream about – love, relationship and giving parts of me. I am also contemplating if I am ready for those things I dream about. 

I say this to say that I find myself stepping outside of my box and not certain as to how I will fare. Bare with me….

i am really colored & really sad sometimes & you hurt me more than i ever danced outta/

ntozake shange, from “for coloredgyrls…”

While sitting at home on a Saturday night, I was flipping through the many channels I pay for each month and stumbled upon the Sanaa Lathan movie “Something New” –about a black woman dating a white man. The movie is about how Kenya tries something new – dating out of her race. When the movie came out it was a big deal to some, but I always thought it was something sistas should have been doing more of a long time ago.

There is a scene where the “something new man” is painting Kenya ’s — the uptight bland black woman — toes red. Now while the thought of painting her toes red is farfetched for the character in the movie, many women felt a man painting your toes red was more farfetched. At any rate, watching the “transformation” of Kenya from a stroke victim in the making to a more bright and colorful person caused me to wonder – is it really self discovery when you “change” for your man?

I have had many people tell me that when the right one (referring to a man) comes along I will open up and embrace love. See, if you haven’t figured it out yet, I am a little – and I’m being very modest here – defensive.

I remember the day that I became “guarded” of my heart – it was a cold winter day in February 1989. I had just gotten back from a wonderful weekend with the love of my life. It was our “anniversary” and we had developed the tradition of traveling to White Plains, NY and holding up in a hotel room for the weekend. I was happy – truly happy.

He came over that night, like many nights before, but this time he decided we needed a “break” and that he wanted to “explore” dating others.

Me being me, I took it in stride – if I loved him, I wouldn’t hold him back from finding himself. But that night, after he left, my heart broke. I remember sitting on the floor of my mom’s apartment playing one handed pinochle – refusing to look at him or even think about what he was saying to me. It was the beginning of me shutting people out. It was the first brick layed in the wall that surrounds my heart.

I believe that my true self discovery came after I was with my boyfriend. I was so wrapped into him that I couldn’t go a day without hearing his voice – and this was long before a cell phone and all the modern trappings of today. I breathed him. And when he broke up with me, I changed because of him.

I remember thinking that I would have to actually date and I was clueless as to who or how. So, I went to school the next day and I wondered the campus – each class that day a blur – and while sitting in the student union, it hit me; there are people who actually find me attractive! And thus began the transformation to the “me” I am today.

Every man I dated or whatever with after my break up, was tortured for the pain that loving him caused me. I was cold and relentless. I wouldn’t allow anyone to get close to me. Yeah, you could posses my body, but you would never have my heart. I left carnage of broken hearts and bewilderedness behind. And I never once gave a second thought to the people I hurt – why should I? No one cared when they ravaged my heart and threw away my love.

So jump to 2008 and I haven’t really changed much. I found someone to marry me and countless others to date me after the divorce.

I even found my creative side by creating the BBWC. I was tired of being unappreciated and then forcing some man that can’t admit that he loves me to explain why the male species was so dumb – talk about irony.

I was meeting men that only wanted to “play” with loving or caring about me and I had finally reached the pinnacle of the bullshit and my bitterness was born.

But was it really born then? I always hoped to not be bitter. I am person that loves life and all that it encompasses – good, bad or indifferent. But the one thing that I have longed for most in my life is to have someone love me – truly love me. And here I am still seeking that love.

I started this entry because I was dating a very nice gentleman who was determined to get me to that elusive third date. And he did, thank you. But he realized, probably long before the third date, why there never was one. It is because of my defensive nature that no one ever comes back. I am a woman whose dating motto is – “Only the strong survive!”

So I sit now, after watching Kenya get her man, and wonder, like I always do after watching some sappy romance movie, where is my Mr. Right? Mr. Third Date wanted to romance me and I wouldn’t give him the “green light” he was looking for. I shut him out – not on purpose but because it’s easier for me to shut you out than to let you in.

I’ve been wrestling with the notion of romance and how it fits into this bitter woman’s life. I think what frustrates me the most is that I know that I am capable of loving, but I just can’t find anyone I trust enough with my heart to prove it.