BBWC — Bitterness Is Sweet

Dating sucks.

There’s no other way to put it. When you are dating someone you are literally attempting to be on your best behavior. You are working to “mask” who you are to reel in the person — if for just a little while.

And if that alone doesn’t convince you that dating sucks, then check out the stats on dating:

• There are 86 unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women
• 44% of the population is single
• In the first 15 minutes of meeting you, men decide if you are 2^nd date worthy

Now with just this little bit of statistical information, one would need to pull out all the stops just to get that elusive “second date.” Here are a few tips that may help you.

1. Wardrobe

A first date can be very nerve wracking. There is so much that goes into preparations alone – you want to make sure your clothes convey the proper message, you want to make sure your body isn’t emitting any odors, and you want to make sure you are comfortable – all while trying to keep your “true self” under control. That’s a lot!

Now, if you know me, then you know I have a really nice smile and I love to show it off. No, seriously, I am far from modest in my “date wear.” However, on a first, and second, date, you want to always err on the conservative side.

And by conservative I mean, if your mom were to walk into the restaurant and see you, would she be ashamed to acknowledge you as her child? If the answer to this is yes, then put on a suit or wear that skirt that comes to your knee. I’m not saying that you have to look like a Victorian woman with every inch of you covered. I am saying that your date shouldn’t be able to see the tattoo on your ass.

There is plenty of time for that later.

If you think the guy has potential for more than a quick romp in the sack, then don’t put your “girls” on display or show some “booty crack” on the first date.

Remember: Men are basic creatures. They only need food, sports and sex to survive; however, they do all the other stuff to attract women.

2. Conversation

When he asked you out it was because he thought you were attractive and he wanted to get to know you better. He doesn’t know that you are a mathematician or a rocket scientist, because you didn’t have that conversation.

Maybe you had a brief phone conversation before your actually date, but even then, you should keep personal information to a minimum. I’ve learned that the less you tell a man in the beginning, the more likely you are to get a second, third or even fourth date.

Keep in mind; you don’t need to tell him about your painful childhood unless it is pertinent to what you are talking about. He is not your therapist so don’t treat the first date as a therapy session. Keep the personal stuff personal.

Do show some of your personality. In doing this, you have to be mindful of body language and what is not said. I know this is a lot, but it is what it is. If his body language is engaging, i.e., he leans in when you are talking, and then proceed to follow his lead. Tell a joke, but make sure it is funny and tasteful – save the dirty jokes for your friends or for when you know him well enough to tell him.

As a black woman, we tend to know every thing – I am speaking from my own personal experience, and that scares the hell out of a man. Men need to feel like they contribute more than money to a relationship. And being smarter than you really means a lot to a man. Remember: Once you’ve got him hooked, you can be right all the damn time.

Also in conversation, you want to actually listen to him. I’m going to repeat myself here; you want to listen to him. The number one turn off is a woman who doesn’t listen. Again, men need to feel comfortable with you and one way to do that is to listen and show that you hear what he says.

Ask questions. This is something I just don’t do – which explains why I spend a lot of time with myself. But if you ask questions, relevant questions that show you are interested in him, then you will get a lot further than I. Men need to feel that they aren’t there just so you can get a free meal.

Ask open ended questions that will give you insight to him and his life. I do not recommend asking personal or “familiar” questions. Again, there is plenty of time for that and it will only scare him away.

Be mindful of how much talking you do. A first date can be very intimidating. There is so much that goes into preparations and once you are on the date, you find yourself rambling on like a nutty loon. Just stop yourself. Apologize for monopolizing the conversation and then let him lead.

3. Dinner

Ladies, I talk to men about dating and I get the same type of story – a woman who orders all the stuff she wouldn’t if she were paying. I suggest, like your outfit, be modest in your dinner selections.

You know you don’t eat lobster, so why order it on a date? I believe that you should order what you want but only if that is what you want. Don’t look down the price of the menu and then order the most expensive thing.

In contrast, don’t order a salad. Men know that women eat. I know, I don’t know how they found out. Ordering a salad when you know you want that chicken is just a bit disingenuous. 

Alcohol. I suggest that you know your limit – especially if you are in separate cars. Liquor has been the reason why many a woman has ended up butt naked at a stranger’s house. Be modest with your alcohol consumption on a first date especially. Remember: you are being evaluated for potential wife status and he is being very critical in this situation.

Also, when the bill comes, unless you are paying it, don’t even think about asking what everything added up to. A lot of men feel that women are out to get their money and even joking about them buying you something or what the bill cost, can cost you a potentially good companion. Remember: once you’ve hooked him, he will open up more to those ideas. Men don’t mind spending money; they just don’t like to feel like that’s all you want from them.

4. Concluding the Evening

Ladies, if you’ve had a good time, tell him. Let him know that you appreciated the evening. Tell him what you enjoyed most about the evening and make it relevant to him – say the choice of restaurant put you more at ease or that his kindness made the evening fly by. Don’t say something like, “You must have bank ‘cause that restaurant was expensive.”

The ending of the evening leads to many decisions. I am not a judgmental person, so if you give it up on the first date, then lucky you.  However, experience has taught me that giving it up on the first date tends to define the relationship. Again, this is your call. If it all felt so right and things fell into place – no pun intended – then do the damn thing.

But if you want more than a sexual relationship, then hold off. This could either backfire or work to your advantage – it’s all on how you look at it. If you guys are all hot and bothered, and the moment is filled with undeniable passion, and you both give in and you have the best sex of your life but he never calls you again and doesn’t respond to your repeated calls, then you lose him but you had great sex. On the other hand, if you don’t have sex with him after all that passion and chemistry you guys had and he never returns your calls, then what have you lost? I’m a “half-full” kinda gal.

Ladies, I know guys will tell you that pussy is a dime a dozen but what they won’t tell you is that good people aren’t. I always tell people that anyone can get laid in DC, it ain’t hard to do, but finding a good quality person that isn’t trying to use you, well, that’s another story.

I had a date tell me that he doesn’t have sex with just anyone because he believes that he gives a piece of his soul each time he makes love to a woman, of course, I thought that was a line to get my panties off. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that you do leave a piece of yourself with others that you’ve had sexual relations with. So I say it to say, chose who you want to carry you around for eternity.

I find dating to be the most challenging thing I do in my life. Sometimes I conquer the challenge but mostly lately, I’ve been losing the battle. I lose because well, damn it, I refuse to conform. But if you are willing to alter yourself for a little while to have the person that you feel is that “special one,” then the advice I give is helpful.

I don’t profess to be an expert – again, my track record sucks, but I do profess to have some insight from the countless dating experiences I’ve had.

My final words of dating wisdom are these: If he never calls you again, don’t take it personally. If you long for “closure,” then get it, but not necessarily from him. No one owes you anything in life.

Happy dating and know that I am always here to help you through it all.

While spring has sprung and love blooms around us, the embittered woman drudges on.

The past week has been enlightening and invigorating for me. While trying to get into the rhythm of a new season, one that promotes growth and stimulation through outside sources, I have decided to dust me off and send me out into the world for some spring time airing.

In this hot pursuit, I signed up to attend a singles group meet and greet. Since this was a spur of the moment decision, I wasn’t too happy with the outfit I wore to work that day. The outfit was really cute, a light gray pencil skirt suit and I wore a white knit turtle neck sweater that would have been cute if it weren’t 80 degrees that day.

So I did what I like to do – I went shopping. Luckily, depending on how you feel about spontaneous shopping, I work between two of my favorite stores – Ann Taylor and Ann Taylor Loft, and since I wanted to convey a more comfortable and relaxed persona, I opted to see what I could scrounge up from the sale rack at the Loft.

Doing my best Wonder Woman quick change impression, I left the Loft in a rather cute Capri pants and sweater outfit that happened to match the shoes I was wearing that day. Talk about stars aligning.

Equipped with my new “power outfit,” I headed to the venue. But before I could leave the comfort of my Princess, I needed a confidence booster and reassurance that I was doing the right thing by jumping back on that hard to break thoroughbred called dating.

A quick call to my deluded friend, who also acts as my life coach/therapist, gave me enough self confidence to park my car. And he, sensing my ambivalence to attend this event, gave me a goal to ensure that I would dig deep for the courage necessary to walk the steep steps to the meet and greet. He made me promise, because I am my word, that I would not leave the event until I had secured one phone number.

So, with power outfit, confidence boosted, and goal assigned, I strutted across the street and walked the steps to face my dating destiny.

Upon entering the beautiful and overwhelming lobby of the venue, I was quickly asked if I were there for the event. I said yes and paid my entry fee for which I was given a neatly printed name tag to adhere to my new sweater.

I can say that whoever planned the entrance of this event knew to place the bar before you reach the people. The announcement of the event touted the southern charm and grace of the Morrison-Clark Inn, which no doubtingly lent to the naming of the drinks that were served – Mint Julep, Steel Magnolia, and Hurricanes. The bartender had a mixture of Mint Julep, which I just adore saying in my best “southern belle” accent, and of course anyone fascinated with the GRITS life (Girl Raised in the South, for those who don’t know), would never shun a cocktail so delicately titled “Steel Magnolia.”

I had no real expectations other than I would put on my happy face and meet people. I saddled myself with some nerve-numbing juice, I paid for my Steel Magnolia - it felt so fetchingly perfect, and off to the crowd I headed.

As I stepped out onto the garden terrace, I was excited to see black people – two women and a gentleman. It was comforting to know that I wouldn’t have to stand around all night forcing others to chat with me. The women quickly took notice of my shoes — what a love affair we have with shoes — and the banter began.

Slowly but surely, people started pouring onto the terrace and I started to lose some of my anxiousness and I began to chat with others – of course the shot of the Mint Julep I had at the bar and my Steel Magnolia assisted a little too. I staked position at the only entry way on the terrace. This turned out to be the perfect place because you got to see the people as they entered and you got first dibs on the hors d’oeuvres – see, I am more than a pretty face – I am also a strategist.

So with my nerve-numbing juice in full numbing mode, I began to loosen up and chat and laugh – making sure I didn’t talk too much about me and showing genuine interest in the person I was talking too. I met three very nice ladies with interesting backgrounds and great personalities. We were so magnetic that a handsome Asian gentleman decided to plant himself in our corner.

However, as charming as he was, he disappeared at some point in the evening and with him my hopes of fulfilling my goal of getting a phone number.

During the course of the evening, a gentleman whom I had noticed enter earlier, made his way to our “hot spot.” I had made eye contact with him when he came through the door; I didn’t make much of it other than the fact that he was handsome and unassuming.

Once he arrived, he played slick and surveyed the group of women I was with and conversed with them. And when my group dissipated, we found ourselves alone.

Alone in a corner with a handsome gentleman on a beautiful cloudy spring evening sounds like the back drop for one of those romantic movies I watch. And feeling no pain from my two Steel Magnolias, I felt this was the perfect opportunity for me to complete my goal, (period) yes, it was still looming heavily on my mind.

While chatting this man up, I found him charming, handsome and unassuming with a warm smile. What did I have to lose? After all, I was getting back on a horse that had bucked me.

While chatting in the corner, we realized it was getting late so he walked me to my car. We exchanged numbers and e-mail addys and I was satisfied right there. So I wasn’t prepared for his genuine interest in me and when he asked me for a date.  It threw me for a loop.

Now please understand, I am not an insecure woman by any means. However, I have been abused one too many times by the world of dating and I am a little bitter but more cautious.

It was very reassuring when I got in the next morning and checked my e-mail. He had mentioned what he wanted to do on our first date and I had asked him to e-mail the information and I would let him know if I was interested. He wanted to attend an art award ceremony – handsome, intelligent and cultured, wow! What kinda fool would I be to not go out with him?

But after hitting the send button to the e-mail saying yes to a date, it struck me that I had just committed myself to a date. Damn! What was I thinking? I only needed to get a phone number. Nothing more.

Anxious, I called my deluded, yet encouraging, friend to tell him what I had done. After all, he knows how gun shy I am about actually dating – meeting people I can get through, but I am not sure that I am ready for dating. I knew that he would be on my side and could give me a way out this “situation.” However, I wasn’t prepared for him to tell me that I was doing the right thing and that I needed to stop hiding from the world.

Needless to say, the date went off nicely. We met at the venue and we actually looked good together, (period) of course the dress I wore would have made any man look good with me. He turned out to be a true gentleman and he spent most of the evening concerned about me and my comfort. When we walked together, he would place his hand at the small of my back – it was very endearing and comfortable. And he seemed to hang on my every word, which was flattering. I even thought the way he said all three syllables of my name gave him a sense of innocence.

Needless to say, I found myself relaxing and opening to his talks about romance and falling in love, and how women fall in love with him. He seduced me with thoughts of going to bed cuddled in the strong arms of your lover and awakening in those same strong arms. I started to entertain love in my life.

I had long ago abandoned any ideas of me allowing myself to love someone. I had neatly packed away my school girl ideas of a soul mate and a perfect lover into a hope chest that I had long lost the keys to. But here I was with this complete stranger, imagining things I reserved for bedtime fantasies that lulled me to sleep.

On a rainy Saturday night, I allowed myself to dream while awake. I gave into temptations and emotions that I had built a fortress around to protect me from me.

And now I find myself even more pickled than before I met this Svengali of love and romance.

See, while I allowed myself to enjoy his passionate kisses and his warm caress, I knew in my mind that this couldn’t be real. While the smell of him still lingers in my nostrils and my feet long for his touch, I knew how this would all play out.

Fear of intimacy isn’t new for me. In the last few years, each of my “relationships” was void of intimacy. They were perfect for me. I only had to give a little and not have to care about what I was getting in return. It was enough to satisfy my body’s desire for sex. I never wanted to cuddle or kiss or even stay the night. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am worked well for me.

But now, after just a few hours of heavy petting and feeling like a hormone-ravaged teenager, I find myself imagining more about what love would look like in my life for real.  I find myself imagining “his” body, lithe and strong. I find myself imagining how happy “he” and I are with one another, loving freely and unconditionally.

I find myself lonely.